Today is 8dp4dt which is beta day. During this pass 2ww (well to be precise it is 1ww), there were plenty of pregnancy symptom aka progesterone side effect that occurs to me such as cramping, nausea, sensitive smell, flu and rising body temp occasionally (the feeling when you are going to get fever) and facial rash.
To be honest, we had done 2 hpt before this day, and both are negative. We try to be optimist and guessing it is too early to be detected using an internet cheapie hpt. So, at 11am, we went to the nearest BP lab, which is at glenmarie shah alam. After registration, the staff took my blood and the result will be ready after 3 hours. After that, i had a proluton depot jab on my buttock as a preparation for pregnancy.
3 hour suprisingly was not a long time to wait. From BP lab, we went for lunch at segamat rail, sek 9 shah alam while my husband meet his agent and after that we head off to putrajaya for a quick meet up with our client. Then the email popup on my notification. We both recite 'bismillah', and the mail opened.....
Beta hcg: <2
We were speechless for about half an hour. I knew both of us prepare for this time to come, but our hopes and dream felt like crashing right in front of our eyes. The result doesnt gave us any chance to hope again.
We drove home straight away.
I didnt shed a tear that evening, because deep down i knew this would happen, from the day my hpt is negative. I just, i cant read my husband's thought that day. I knew him, with his sad face, he repeatedly said, what mistakes did we do this time? Is there enough luteal support given? Did the embryos are in good shape when they thaw? I just cant answer that question. Or, because i dont want to know the answer. All in my mind right know is that this is a fail cycle.
We went out again that night for a quick dinner and groceries shopping as i need to start being normal tomorrow. I need to start cooking, cleaning and stuff. No queen-like treatment as if i was in my PUPO.
However, when i finished my isya' prayer, i start to recite alquran, i realise my voice is different. It is the voice of me starting to cry. I held my heads up and try to be strong. I finished reciting and went to bed. We turn off all our night lights and try to sleep. But we did not. We start to talk about our work, our cats, the politics, and finally, the result. I promise myself not to cry this time. We brained ourselves on what could be the wrong thing we do. But turned out, all is fate. We had done our very best this time. We do whatever we think we can with all our efforts. But fate had overcome us. Allah's plan is greater indeed.
I broke my own promise, when i said to my husband, "that if really our fate for not having children, by the time im 40y.o, please marry someone that can give you children."
And i thought i was strong enough, but im not. I finally burst into tears, but only for about 2 minutes.
I slept around 3am that day.
That is the end of our ivf#2 fet #1. We did not have any frozen embryo. Our next appointment with prof hashim will be on the first week of september. We will discuss what we wanted to do then.
Lots of love from us.
To be honest, we had done 2 hpt before this day, and both are negative. We try to be optimist and guessing it is too early to be detected using an internet cheapie hpt. So, at 11am, we went to the nearest BP lab, which is at glenmarie shah alam. After registration, the staff took my blood and the result will be ready after 3 hours. After that, i had a proluton depot jab on my buttock as a preparation for pregnancy.
3 hour suprisingly was not a long time to wait. From BP lab, we went for lunch at segamat rail, sek 9 shah alam while my husband meet his agent and after that we head off to putrajaya for a quick meet up with our client. Then the email popup on my notification. We both recite 'bismillah', and the mail opened.....
Beta hcg: <2
We were speechless for about half an hour. I knew both of us prepare for this time to come, but our hopes and dream felt like crashing right in front of our eyes. The result doesnt gave us any chance to hope again.
We drove home straight away.
I didnt shed a tear that evening, because deep down i knew this would happen, from the day my hpt is negative. I just, i cant read my husband's thought that day. I knew him, with his sad face, he repeatedly said, what mistakes did we do this time? Is there enough luteal support given? Did the embryos are in good shape when they thaw? I just cant answer that question. Or, because i dont want to know the answer. All in my mind right know is that this is a fail cycle.
We went out again that night for a quick dinner and groceries shopping as i need to start being normal tomorrow. I need to start cooking, cleaning and stuff. No queen-like treatment as if i was in my PUPO.
However, when i finished my isya' prayer, i start to recite alquran, i realise my voice is different. It is the voice of me starting to cry. I held my heads up and try to be strong. I finished reciting and went to bed. We turn off all our night lights and try to sleep. But we did not. We start to talk about our work, our cats, the politics, and finally, the result. I promise myself not to cry this time. We brained ourselves on what could be the wrong thing we do. But turned out, all is fate. We had done our very best this time. We do whatever we think we can with all our efforts. But fate had overcome us. Allah's plan is greater indeed.
I broke my own promise, when i said to my husband, "that if really our fate for not having children, by the time im 40y.o, please marry someone that can give you children."
And i thought i was strong enough, but im not. I finally burst into tears, but only for about 2 minutes.
I slept around 3am that day.
That is the end of our ivf#2 fet #1. We did not have any frozen embryo. Our next appointment with prof hashim will be on the first week of september. We will discuss what we wanted to do then.
Lots of love from us.
My dear TTC sister. Sending you a great big bear hug. I'm so sorry to read that this time around your beautiful embabies did not take. Please give yourself time to grief. It's ok to cry. Trust in Allah. Trust that His plans are better than our own. That was the only thing that kept me going all those years. One day insyaAllah your time will come too. I'll keep you in my prayers. Take your time, grief.... And when you are ready, try again. Don't give up.
ReplyDeletekorang memang kuat, stay strong ya....
ReplyDeleteAllah...its hurt but be patience...inshaaAllah there are rewards waiting for u.soon, inshaaAllah :)
ReplyDeleteInshaAllah ada rezeki untuk awak suami isteri....
ReplyDeleteHope that Allah may give u strenght. I hope that u wont give up & still keep continue ttc. Maybe in the future u can try endometrial scratching before FET as my gynae had suggested to me so that it help to increase the rate of successful implantation. Ive gone through 2 cycle ivf & planned for another FET with endometrial scratching prior to the FET soon.. hope the best that Allah planned & granted for me & for u too.. hope that u wont give up
ReplyDeleteAllahu...
ReplyDeleteSedihnya baca.
Last 2 year, treatment kita adalah lebih kurang pada bulan yg sama. Bezanya akk di KL Fert, and Asma di Pantai.
Takpe Asma.. Allah pilih dan uji hambaNya yg Dia tahu boleh harungi ujian Dia.
Tabah.. Ada hikmah disebaliknya..
Stay strong *hugs*