Marley (not her real name) is a 28-year-old marketing pro, wife, and stepmom (to teenagers) who's chronicling her journey to getting pregnant on her blog, So Call Me Crazy. Because her husband had a vasectomy before they were married, they've chosen IVF--and the process hasn't been without some bumps in the road. Take a look:
OK, give us a little background.
Marley: I'm madly in love with my husband and I have a great marketing career. I love to snowboard, road trip and read, and I never pass up the chance to go to happy hour. I want it all: I want to be a great wife, mom, friend and coworker. And, on the inside, I'm just trying to be happy and thankful even though I'm facing some emotional demons.
Marley: I'm madly in love with my husband and I have a great marketing career. I love to snowboard, road trip and read, and I never pass up the chance to go to happy hour. I want it all: I want to be a great wife, mom, friend and coworker. And, on the inside, I'm just trying to be happy and thankful even though I'm facing some emotional demons.
My husband (who is magazine good-looking!) is strong, witty and kind. He's the kind of man you want to be married to and the kind of father you want your kids to have. I'm so thankful that he picked me.
I love my stepsons--one is 18 and one is 15. It's challenging being a stepmom because I often feel like an outsider with them, but they're really good people. They get good grades and make good decisions, and they treat me well. There's a lot of playing and laughter in our house.
I love your blog. Reading it, I always think: "This is someone I want to go hang out with!" Why are you writing it anonymously?
Marley: You know how when you read a great book, you make your own assumptions and develop your own perceptions and pictures of characters and events? The movie is never as good as the book. I want to create that same feeling. I want to create a story that women can identify with and escape to while they're trying to go through these intensely personal experiences themselves. Also, since I write about my emotions as a young stepmom and as a woman facing infertility (which often means discussing my family), I want to make sure 'm respecting my husband's and my stepsons' right to privacy.
Marley: You know how when you read a great book, you make your own assumptions and develop your own perceptions and pictures of characters and events? The movie is never as good as the book. I want to create that same feeling. I want to create a story that women can identify with and escape to while they're trying to go through these intensely personal experiences themselves. Also, since I write about my emotions as a young stepmom and as a woman facing infertility (which often means discussing my family), I want to make sure 'm respecting my husband's and my stepsons' right to privacy.
Why are you opting for IVF?
Marley: My husband had a vasectomy 14 years ago. We've known from the beginning that our journey toward getting pregnant would be costly and we'd have to investigate our options. When we started seeing doctors, we had a lot of factors in our favor: my husband has already fathered healthy kids, we're young and healthy, and I have no known reproductive problems. The length of time since my husband got his vasectomy could mean that it may take years to know whether or not it worked. Since my husband is already 40, and insurance doesn't cover IVF or vasectomy reversals, IVF seemed like the best choice for us based on our desired time frame and financial situation. A vasectomy reversal is not out of the question in the future, though. We have that option if we ever want to try it.
Marley: My husband had a vasectomy 14 years ago. We've known from the beginning that our journey toward getting pregnant would be costly and we'd have to investigate our options. When we started seeing doctors, we had a lot of factors in our favor: my husband has already fathered healthy kids, we're young and healthy, and I have no known reproductive problems. The length of time since my husband got his vasectomy could mean that it may take years to know whether or not it worked. Since my husband is already 40, and insurance doesn't cover IVF or vasectomy reversals, IVF seemed like the best choice for us based on our desired time frame and financial situation. A vasectomy reversal is not out of the question in the future, though. We have that option if we ever want to try it.
What happened with your first cycle?
Marley: It was unsuccessful. It seemed like it would be a slam-dunk case, but for whatever reason, it didn't work and we're not pregnant. They only removed seven eggs (I think the doctors took my eggs a day or two too early), but six fertilized. This is good news because we know conception is possible! One embryo stopped growing on day 3. We implanted two (which obviously didn't make it) and one didn't make it through the cryopreservation process. So, we still have two frozen embryos that we can choose to implant at any time. I'm waiting because I need time to get my body and mind and heart all back in the right place!
Marley: It was unsuccessful. It seemed like it would be a slam-dunk case, but for whatever reason, it didn't work and we're not pregnant. They only removed seven eggs (I think the doctors took my eggs a day or two too early), but six fertilized. This is good news because we know conception is possible! One embryo stopped growing on day 3. We implanted two (which obviously didn't make it) and one didn't make it through the cryopreservation process. So, we still have two frozen embryos that we can choose to implant at any time. I'm waiting because I need time to get my body and mind and heart all back in the right place!
How did you handle the results?
Marley: You mean, how am I handling them?! I made my husband call the doctor, and he and I spent the night hugging while I cried. In the beginning, I couldn't stop crying. It felt like those two embryos died, and I couldn't stop thinking about them. I slept for weeks. And I refused to talk to the doctor or anyone about it. Lately, things don't feel as sad and as hopeless. I'm getting acupuncture, I'm back in the gym and I'm doing what I can to feel better. I have an appointment to see the doctor to talk about next steps. Even though I'm scared, I have to get to a point where I believe I';ll be a mom someday. And I think that will just take time.
Marley: You mean, how am I handling them?! I made my husband call the doctor, and he and I spent the night hugging while I cried. In the beginning, I couldn't stop crying. It felt like those two embryos died, and I couldn't stop thinking about them. I slept for weeks. And I refused to talk to the doctor or anyone about it. Lately, things don't feel as sad and as hopeless. I'm getting acupuncture, I'm back in the gym and I'm doing what I can to feel better. I have an appointment to see the doctor to talk about next steps. Even though I'm scared, I have to get to a point where I believe I';ll be a mom someday. And I think that will just take time.
What's been your biggest challenge so far?
Marley: I can't answer this with just one thing. Physically, IVF is very draining. It includes a lot of medication and ultrasounds, as well as surgeries. It's exhausting. I gained weight and my body felt different and out of whack. Emotionally, I had no idea what I was in for. Losing those embryos was devastating. This is the first time in my life where I feel like my own body is betraying me.
Marley: I can't answer this with just one thing. Physically, IVF is very draining. It includes a lot of medication and ultrasounds, as well as surgeries. It's exhausting. I gained weight and my body felt different and out of whack. Emotionally, I had no idea what I was in for. Losing those embryos was devastating. This is the first time in my life where I feel like my own body is betraying me.
The worst part is how alienated I feel. My husband doesn't understand what I'm going through because he's already had his own children and he's never been a stepparent or a second husband. I feel alienated from my friends, because most of them are pregnant or are parents. And, being around my stepkids just feels like this awful reminder that my husband already had the life I want with him with someone else. So I'm feeling like a failure as a stepmom too. Also, the concept of adoption is no longer attractive to me. As a stepmom, I feel like I've already been in a situation where I have kids that can be taken from me and that don't look like me and that I never took care of, either in my body or as babies.
I've always pictured myself having my own children, and now, it's hard not to worry about what my life will be like if I never get that. Will I ever feel like my marriage is whole until I have a family with him too? Will I resent my husband or my stepsons? How am I ever going to pay for all of this? I've never tried to get pregnant before--what if I can't? It makes it really hard to be hopeful and to enjoy everyday life.
Also, I didn't realize how everything revolves around kids. We got our negative pregnancy test the week of Halloween. It was hard to see all of those sweet little kids dressed up at our door. It's amazing how many TV shows, books and movies include some kind of birthing, infertility or abortion storylines. And every week it seems like someone we know is pregnant, or is getting a vasectomy because they don't want any more kids. The reminder that I'm not pregnant is everywhere. But I also don't want to be so obsessed with getting pregnant that it ruins my friendships or my marriage or my self-worth.
How have friends and family reacted?
Marley: I'm lucky because I have a strong support system, but at the same time, I don't really have anyone in my immediate circle who is a second wife, a stepmom or struggling with infertility (which is one of the reasons I needed to blog and connect with people who know what I'm feeling!). My girlfriends have forced me to get out and to spend time with their babies, and they've gone out of their way to get babysitters and spend time out with me like we did before babies. My husband is wonderful but is also frustrated because he can't fix any of this. And, like most girls, I don't know what I'd do without my mom.
Marley: I'm lucky because I have a strong support system, but at the same time, I don't really have anyone in my immediate circle who is a second wife, a stepmom or struggling with infertility (which is one of the reasons I needed to blog and connect with people who know what I'm feeling!). My girlfriends have forced me to get out and to spend time with their babies, and they've gone out of their way to get babysitters and spend time out with me like we did before babies. My husband is wonderful but is also frustrated because he can't fix any of this. And, like most girls, I don't know what I'd do without my mom.
I'm a little surprised at some of the reactions I've gotten when I've shared our story. Someone made a comment to me that "if you can't have children naturally, then maybe you shouldn't be a parent." Yet this same person was fine with adoption. Other people have told me I'm crazy for pumping my body full of hormones. Who are they to judge? My desire to have a family is no different than someone who can just freely have sex with their spouse tonight and make a baby. It's just amazing to me how uneducated people are. They have no idea how many women out there--in their 20s, 30s, 40s--are secretly going through the same thing.
Has the process made you think differently about life?
Marley: Yes--in lots of ways. After going through in-vitro, there is no way I could ever support abortion. I know it's a complicated and personal decision, but watching those embryos be created and then on ultrasound in the uterus was amazing. Those little blobs change every day into a skeletal system and a brain and a heart. Making a baby is truly a miracle--and I will never, ever take that for granted.
Marley: Yes--in lots of ways. After going through in-vitro, there is no way I could ever support abortion. I know it's a complicated and personal decision, but watching those embryos be created and then on ultrasound in the uterus was amazing. Those little blobs change every day into a skeletal system and a brain and a heart. Making a baby is truly a miracle--and I will never, ever take that for granted.
Also, I went into this process thinking I'd be hanging with a bunch of women in their 40s who had health issues or waited too long to try and get pregnant. In fact, there were a lot more women in their 20s in that waiting room. I had no idea how many people struggle with fertility. It's mindblowing, and it's crazy we don't talk openly about it in the media and with each other.
When I got married at 24, I just didn't realize what I was in for. Motherhood was some distant thought. But some days I think, "I'm 28 and healthy... and I have an 18-year-old and a 15-year-old... how did I end up in this office with a needle in my arm?!" But I am so in love with my husband that a life without children is better than a life without him.
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